"...but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake." Or so the quote goes. But what happens when that cake turns into many, many pieces of cake, or candy or other sweets, or in my case, tons of carbs. Potatoes, bread, pasta, FRIES, FRIES (did i mention FRIES?) Ok, so yeah, i'm just slightly a carb junkie. Well, maybe more than slightly. Fine, i'm a full out addict. I often wonder if other fat people think about potatoes as much as I do. I could easily give up sweets if it meant I had to choose between that or the carb-filled yumminess of a big bowl of mashed potatoes!
But here's the problem; all the years of eating whatever I wanted, whatever comforted me, has led me to be the biggest I have ever been. Crying at the doctor's office after reading the scale made me so mad at myself for letting life's struggles lead me to hide behind whatever food I could shove in my mouth. Since leaving my job of 10 years and mom dying not long after, I have gained over 20lbs. I still don't feel stable or recovered from that. And the fact that my roommate is a man doesn't help either. Our preference is to veg out after work on pizza, chinese, FRIES (hush!) and other all-out junk. But I am not a man, and I can't eat that way! I can't do that to my body anymore. I am tired of feeling short-winded, and tired, and self-conscious. Of not feeling like I look good anymore in any clothes. Of not going on any dates and feeling like i'll never get re-married because who wants the fat chick? Maybe that's true or not true, but I sure have less dating offers than I used to. Lately, zero. I'm not ugly, I am a nice, honest person, I like to have fun, I have a good job...but no one seems to look past the ass I have grown or the new extra fat around my face. At least it seems that way.
So what do I do? Hop on another diet? FAIL another diet? I have resolved to the fact that I will never be the "skinny girl". But I'm not old, and I still want to have fun and do things in this life. Things that involve walking for a while without having an asthma attack. And I want to meet someone again who can enjoy things with me. So, I bought a scale. My weight perfectly matched what the doctor's office said, so that's good. I have a plan drawn up, and a website to help me track my calories and exercises, and I have supportive friends who see me for me and not my shirt size. I've talked to my doc, got labs done, and have other appts set for any help I may need. Thank the Lord that I have my insurance again!
I guess all this is just a really long way to say that I really appreciate any advice or help that I can get. I need to get back on track and live the life that I want and be who I know that I am. It won't be an easy road, but a necessary one. I'll try to blog more now, and I think that will help with the accountability and support I need. So anyone who has any thoughts or prayers, I welcome them. And for all of you that have done this before me, you are an inspiration!!
Until next time...
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