It's never too late to be what you might have been.

I have re-read that quote a lot  in my constant quest to find out who i am and what i am supposed to be doing with this life.  I used to have a quick answer to that question, but so many forks in the road have changed my path.  More than just forks, really, and much more like a huge winding labyrinth of distractions and path-altering events. But it helps to know that i am not the only one who feels that way as i see a surge of "bucket lists" being created by others who may have missed something along the way as well. 

Yesterday as i sat at work daydreaming about how i came to work at a place i can't stand, i finally felt inspired for the first time in a long time because I know as soon as this degree is finished in a few months, I will try to go back to doing what i love - helping people who really need it and REALLY appreciate it.  Not sit in this cubicle where people can (over the phone) call me horrible names, curse God, and then not care one bit for what you have done for them because they feel entitled to it.  A few months back, i got called the "C" word.  Oh...hell...no.  I am grateful i have a job even though i really do not enjoy it.  But this job is not who i am.  

I keep thinking about what is missing in my idea of who and what i am supposed to be at this point.  Somehow during these past several crazy years of job change, a few times of moving, losing mom and "friends", losing Nana, etc...i have managed to actually buy a house and win the most amazing guy ever. He is perfect for my weirdo way of being.  We are car shopping since mine is a wreck and we need to sell the truck.  We have the two cutest puppies, no kids, and an engagement.  We are not rich and have had MORE our fair share of life's crap, but we are blessed.  So what is missing?   

LONG story short, until now, i have felt no where near where i have wanted to be.  I life of obstacles and depression and that i can never be who i feel that i am.  It doesn't seem like it should be that hard.  I have always wanted a certain vegetarian lifestyle.  But instead i shovel burgers and pizza in my face.  I look better in brown  hair, but can't afford to have someone do it for me like i want.  I wanna write more and read what i want to read..which i am actually getting to do right now since my classes are not until March.  I like to be minimal, without knick knacks and a ton of stuff to keep up with.  I want my files and office a certain way.  I want sit at a coffee shop again and just read and breath it in for a couple of hours. Why can't i do all this?  While is it hard?  Why is it so hard to look like and be who i want to be?  It is the depression?  It's a catch 22 because when i take the meds for that and for the anxiety attacks, i don't want any of those things anymore.  No reading, no music, no art.  Is this why all artsy people are dark and depressing LOL.  Does it come hand in hand?  

In any case, lots of rambling.  Just trying to free myself from the little chubby body that i feel trapped inside of.  I have all these great things waiting for me. 

Until next time,
-J