It's never too late to be what you might have been.

I have re-read that quote a lot  in my constant quest to find out who i am and what i am supposed to be doing with this life.  I used to have a quick answer to that question, but so many forks in the road have changed my path.  More than just forks, really, and much more like a huge winding labyrinth of distractions and path-altering events. But it helps to know that i am not the only one who feels that way as i see a surge of "bucket lists" being created by others who may have missed something along the way as well. 

Yesterday as i sat at work daydreaming about how i came to work at a place i can't stand, i finally felt inspired for the first time in a long time because I know as soon as this degree is finished in a few months, I will try to go back to doing what i love - helping people who really need it and REALLY appreciate it.  Not sit in this cubicle where people can (over the phone) call me horrible names, curse God, and then not care one bit for what you have done for them because they feel entitled to it.  A few months back, i got called the "C" word.  Oh...hell...no.  I am grateful i have a job even though i really do not enjoy it.  But this job is not who i am.  

I keep thinking about what is missing in my idea of who and what i am supposed to be at this point.  Somehow during these past several crazy years of job change, a few times of moving, losing mom and "friends", losing Nana, etc...i have managed to actually buy a house and win the most amazing guy ever. He is perfect for my weirdo way of being.  We are car shopping since mine is a wreck and we need to sell the truck.  We have the two cutest puppies, no kids, and an engagement.  We are not rich and have had MORE our fair share of life's crap, but we are blessed.  So what is missing?   

LONG story short, until now, i have felt no where near where i have wanted to be.  I life of obstacles and depression and that i can never be who i feel that i am.  It doesn't seem like it should be that hard.  I have always wanted a certain vegetarian lifestyle.  But instead i shovel burgers and pizza in my face.  I look better in brown  hair, but can't afford to have someone do it for me like i want.  I wanna write more and read what i want to read..which i am actually getting to do right now since my classes are not until March.  I like to be minimal, without knick knacks and a ton of stuff to keep up with.  I want my files and office a certain way.  I want sit at a coffee shop again and just read and breath it in for a couple of hours. Why can't i do all this?  While is it hard?  Why is it so hard to look like and be who i want to be?  It is the depression?  It's a catch 22 because when i take the meds for that and for the anxiety attacks, i don't want any of those things anymore.  No reading, no music, no art.  Is this why all artsy people are dark and depressing LOL.  Does it come hand in hand?  

In any case, lots of rambling.  Just trying to free myself from the little chubby body that i feel trapped inside of.  I have all these great things waiting for me. 

Until next time,
-J

Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies.

I found that quote by Adrienne Gusoff, and it just made my day. Isn't that always the way it is? All of the crap that comes your way, and just when you think you've got it all under control, out pops another damn "puppy." This by no means reflects badly on my own real puppy, (haha), as he may be a mess, but he's a precious mess. But I think everyone knows what Adrienne means here. Need I say more?

So what's been up in my life? I happened across a few blogs that I keep up with that some of my friends write (kudos to Heather and her "Not an Effin' Barbie" website) and it reminded me that I have not visited my own in a while. My intentions to keep up were solid when I began, so what happened? Well, I'm not different than most in the fact that LIFE just gets in the way. Full time work, school, and my sucker business takes up most of my time. Plus the house, the relationship, and the actual puppy (Chewie) do not take care of themselves. On the plus side, I am almost done with the bachelors after going back to school. The new career is going well, and the sucker and candy sales have kept me going in the dry season, just as I had hoped. I really enjoy it, too...goal achieved! I don't plan on ever becoming a candy making kingpin but this sure helps to fulfill my creative goals (and gaps between paydays!)

Life is not always easy. But at this very moment I am happy. I don't have everything I want, let alone all that I feel that I need. But I have LIFE. And I am thankful for that each day that I wake up. And even though I am not here to preach to YOU the world about how things should be, I do have to say...wake up people! When you say that life is too short, do you really know what you are saying, do you really believe it? It may have been that in my short life, I have seen into the eyes of a dying soul more than I ever feel anyone should have. It can all be over in a second. Seriously...a second. Whatever it is that you have wanted to do, do it now. Don't forget to actually live your life while you are waiting and hoping for the life that you want.

Well apparently I had a speech in me this evening. Time for bed, early work tomorrow. On Saturday. Ewwww.

My new "project"

For quite a while now I've needed something creative to do with myself, and from the time I was a child, I've also wanted to have my own bakery or coffee shop. In addition to that, I really love to write. Well...life happens to all of us, and the bakery and coffee shop never became, and I'm not a famous author. But I still feel that need to construct or develop something while fullfilling some type of creativity in myself - all while working my full time job no less.

I've tried various things or small project ideas, none of which kept my interest or the interest of anyone I needed to help me with it. Homemade Gourmet, for example, was fun at first. But then you have the whole issue of no one booking parties or wanting to pay the prices. And I don't want to push sales of a company on my friends. I've also done numerous parties of all sorts for other people and have gotten a lot of free stuff, but again, nothing that filled my own creative void.

So I started thinking about what I really like to do. Something that won't seem like "work", since working all day and then coming home to wear myself out would not be fun. I have a friend who is very creative in her baking and crafts, and I am always in awe of her ideas. So with some of her projects in mind, I found something I want to try.

First, I already have my blog going and some writings I've done on the side. I plan to keep that up with all sorts of topics. Second, my project needed to be something that it not so full of detail that I don't enjoy doing it but instead easy and accessible to me and anyone who chose to be a customer, such as for a holiday or a birthday party. My choice is to begin with making different types of simple candies, suckers, and cake pops. I've got several molds ordered and some others chosen for the near future. When I hit my next payday, I plan to get some candy melts, almond barks, and cake mixes. Maybe it doesn't sound like a lot, or really that important to anyone else, but sometimes just the simple things in life, like watching someone enjoy something that you created, are the things that make us happy and fulfilled. So stay tuned. I've got some pics posted here that I found to illustrate what some of the ideas could be like. These are NOT my own pics, just ideas. Credit to the person who made them.



Until next time...

"Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out..."

"...but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake." Or so the quote goes. But what happens when that cake turns into many, many pieces of cake, or candy or other sweets, or in my case, tons of carbs. Potatoes, bread, pasta, FRIES, FRIES (did i mention FRIES?) Ok, so yeah, i'm just slightly a carb junkie. Well, maybe more than slightly. Fine, i'm a full out addict. I often wonder if other fat people think about potatoes as much as I do. I could easily give up sweets if it meant I had to choose between that or the carb-filled yumminess of a big bowl of mashed potatoes!

But here's the problem; all the years of eating whatever I wanted, whatever comforted me, has led me to be the biggest I have ever been. Crying at the doctor's office after reading the scale made me so mad at myself for letting life's struggles lead me to hide behind whatever food I could shove in my mouth. Since leaving my job of 10 years and mom dying not long after, I have gained over 20lbs. I still don't feel stable or recovered from that. And the fact that my roommate is a man doesn't help either. Our preference is to veg out after work on pizza, chinese, FRIES (hush!) and other all-out junk. But I am not a man, and I can't eat that way! I can't do that to my body anymore. I am tired of feeling short-winded, and tired, and self-conscious. Of not feeling like I look good anymore in any clothes. Of not going on any dates and feeling like i'll never get re-married because who wants the fat chick? Maybe that's true or not true, but I sure have less dating offers than I used to. Lately, zero. I'm not ugly, I am a nice, honest person, I like to have fun, I have a good job...but no one seems to look past the ass I have grown or the new extra fat around my face. At least it seems that way.

So what do I do? Hop on another diet? FAIL another diet? I have resolved to the fact that I will never be the "skinny girl". But I'm not old, and I still want to have fun and do things in this life. Things that involve walking for a while without having an asthma attack. And I want to meet someone again who can enjoy things with me. So, I bought a scale. My weight perfectly matched what the doctor's office said, so that's good. I have a plan drawn up, and a website to help me track my calories and exercises, and I have supportive friends who see me for me and not my shirt size. I've talked to my doc, got labs done, and have other appts set for any help I may need. Thank the Lord that I have my insurance again!

I guess all this is just a really long way to say that I really appreciate any advice or help that I can get. I need to get back on track and live the life that I want and be who I know that I am. It won't be an easy road, but a necessary one. I'll try to blog more now, and I think that will help with the accountability and support I need. So anyone who has any thoughts or prayers, I welcome them. And for all of you that have done this before me, you are an inspiration!!

Until next time...

Dealing with grief - the death of my mom

I'm not really sure how to start this one out. Mom died in November of pneumonia and sepsis. She was admitted to the hospital by ambulance in October and never really came out of "it", wherever she was. There were moments, short minutes really, that she seemed to know we were there and made expressions at us or tried to mouth to us. But it didn't last long. The respirator kept her from talking, and she could not really see us, but i know she knew that i was there, and that my aunt and cousins were there. Sepsis, sometimes called "blood poisoning", can cause changed mental status and mutiple organ failure, all of which mom went through. I never thought at age 32 that i would have to turn off life support on my 48 year old mother. Years before, I went through the same process with my first daughter.

Something like that, watching someone die, has had an effect on me that i cannot explain. Seeing mom's face and sitting there with her as she left this earth was a life-altering experience, one that has left me feeling completely philosophical and unsure about life and death and our purpose here. She stared at me as she went and her eyes were so blue and in some kind of wonderment. At some point, she began to drift and watch something intently over my shoulder - no one was there that i could see, but i choose to believe that is was someone calling her home. The rest you don't want to know. I wish this experience on no one.

Since that day, i see mom's face in my head all the time. I never realized how much losing her would affect me, and how long it would take to "get over it". Even as the loss of my own two children follow me, mom being gone as taken a part of me that i can't seem to recover from. I still forget she is gone sometimes and catch myself thinking i should call and tell her this or that, something about what happened at work or school. I have not yet been able to spread her ashes, which is very ironic for me as i am not a person who keeps that sort of thing. I cry a lot, mostly in my car on the way home, sometimes in the bathroom at work, or when i climb into bed. And now. I freak out on my roommate sometimes, and I feel like i am in a hole that i cannot climb out of.

Everything about life seems different to me. I am different, my life is different, my purpose is different. Most people don't know what mom went through to have me at age 15, and how she refused to get the abortion her family wanted. She never had the life or experiences she should have had, and she gave up a lot to take care of me and my grandmother and great-grandmother. She was never the same when they died, and now i understand why. She was sad, depressed, and always wanted all for me that she never had. I try to live that for her everyday, and when i fail at something, i feel like i should tell her i'm sorry. I am all that she left behind as her contribution to this world, and the small family of me, my aunt, and my three cousins are all we have.

I guess my main purpose for writing this is to say that there is no time limit on grief. And you may never realize how the soul "works" and how short your life is until pieces of it begin to die and return to God. Mom was never perfect by any means, but she was the one who brought me into this world. And i made sure that, no matter how much it hurt me, that i would be there with her as she left. My roomie says i should talk to her, but i can't find her. He says she is there, that she can hear me, but I CAN'T FIND HER. All i want is a dream or a scent or something. But maybe we are not supposed to worry about those things. The plan is not up to us. I sure wish i knew how to be more accepting of the plan.

Well, that was a really long blog for tonight. It's getting cold by this hotel window. Time for some coffee and a big comfy chair.

So, I guess I start from the beginning?

I've never been one to put my real feelings out there for all to see. It's much easier to laugh and joke it off with some sort of goofy comment. But this past year I have noticed how many of my friends are blogging or journaling or something like that. And it helps to let out our feelings in some sort of constructive way, even if it's to a million total strangers on an internet blog site. I thought I would give this a shot. So here goes.

To keep all of this short and sweet (and so you won't yawn and click elsewhere) I will sum up the past 15 years like this: Graduated high school, got married at 20, lost baby number one after one week of life, lost baby number two to stillborn, survived my own fun with blood clot drama, got divorced at 27, ran through a series of non-committing/cheating boyfriends (yay!) and now at age 33 have left my job of over 10 years, buried my mom, moved, and started a new job. I'm single, tired, afraid, and pretty much just exhausted right now. I miss my mom and, I kind of feel lost. I need a break, some "me time", and some spiritual time. And to keep this post as short as I can, my main goal here is to use this blog as I work to find my way again.

Maybe some of the words I write will help someone else. Maybe not. But as I dive a little deeper into some of these life topics in a future blog, my hope is that is will help people to understand why I am who I am and why I do what I do. And how I have stumbled through it all. But it's bedtime now. Until next time...